Let me first say that this show is not nearly as entertaining without Gene Simmons. He brought it to an entirely different level. I’m saddened by this.

Anyway, we begin this week with everyone sitting around waiting to see who was fired. Jennie walks in and pretends that both Simmons and Omarosa were fired. We used to do that too. It’s funny to see everyone’s reaction and all that, but it’s also kind of a power trip for the person in the prankster role.

So they’re all thrilled by the news, only to then see Omarosa bounce into the room, beaming.

“Gene’s gone!!!” bellows an overjoyed Piers (who was very hurt two tasks ago when Gene and Baldwin grouped him with the irrelevant crowd). Then he proclaims, “Gene saved Nelly, and killed himself!”

Nelly interviews that she had “no idea that [Gene] respected [her] that much.” Of course, she has it all wrong– Gene Simmons has a God complex and wanted to prop up the weakest person on the team just to show that he could. She continues, “Maybe Donald Trump doesn’t like me but Gene Simmons certainly does.” I’m just happy she’s happy.

Piers interviews with cutting-edge originality that he’s “in it to win,” and that “winning’s not everything, it’s the only thing.”

Lennox Lewis asks Jennie why Gene picked her to come back to the boardroom, to which Jennie replies, “I mean, how could I compete with these businesswomen?”

And three minutes into the episode, Jennie Finch was finished.

And it’s not in a pathetic way. She is way over her head, and the fact that she’s completely honest about that is kind of sweet and sad and lovable.

After the commercial, we see Tito at St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital, presenting the money from the last task. We meet Elizabeth, an absurdly cute little human with a terrible disease. Tito hands her the check. I’m getting choked up. Let’s move on.

Next we see all the candidates gather as Trump walks out of the elevator with Ivanka and Vince McMahon. I had to go on the internet just now to figure out how to spell McMahon.

Trump alludes to their idiot wager in which the loser of their Wrestlemania bet had to shave his head. Like there was any chance of Trump allowing anyone to strip him of the Great Golden Combover.

Incidentally, other than, “Are you still with that girl?” and “What’s Trump like?,” “What does Trump’s hair look like in person?” is the most common question I heard. What the hell kind of question is this? The Great Golden Combover is both Great and Golden in person, just as it is on TV.

Trump then introduces Ivanka. Wouldn’t it be awesome if she tripped and wiped out one time on the show? Who wouldn’t love to see that?

The task is to sell as many tickets as possible to four Broadway shows.

Hydra’s project manager is Vinnie, since he’s in a Broadway show. This is not an inspiring choice of leader.

The girls pick Marilu, who has a ton of Broadway experience. She seems like the sharpest tool in the shed on this show. She’ll be around for a long time.

Marilu is instantly in charge, and seems very comfortable being a leader. She manages to be extremely self-confident without being at all annoying or obnoxious about it.

She declares Omarosa the “negotiator.”

Back in Hydra’s war room, Vinnie asks Piers to read him “the rules.” This is a document called the dossier, that each team is handed after a task is announced. It’s usually about 10 pages long, and details everything that’s allowed on the task, and everything that’s not. It specifies who your graphic designer, or props manager, or fashion expert, etc. is, and lists all the deadlines. Just talking about the dossier is reminding me what a massive ordeal each task is.

The show is about 40 minutes long without commercials, and about 18-20 of those minutes are allotted to the task itself. That means each team’s task gets under ten minutes of airtime, even though a task lasts about 36 hours. Plus, usually half of those ten minutes are spent on a couple disputes that happen throughout. That means that 90% of the things that happen on the task never get shown. They’ll air the disputes, and then focus on a few key moments of the task to highlight one or two major story lines.

So when you’re watching the airing after participating in the task a few months earlier, it can be shocking how much is left out.

Anyway, as Vinnie requests to hear the rules read, Piers and Baldwin continue their battle of the weenie alpha-dogs (WAD). Baldwin wants to say something before Piers reads the rules, purely to assert that he is one and only WAD. Piers refuses, because being the true WAD, he has the power to silence Baldwin. Vinnie asks Piers for a copy of the rules– Baldwin jumps on this, telling Piers, expressive hand and all, “He wants his own copy. Let him have his own copy.” He then requests that Piers talk to the hand.

Piers interviews that everyone is on an ego trip. Actually, it’s mainly just him and Baldwin. Back in the action, Baldwin tells Piers that another one of his problems is his lack of patience. We see Trace with his head down, and then Trace interviews that he doesn’t care who’s the real WAD, and that they’re both probably metrosexuals anyway.

At Empresario, Marilu is in charge as she picks out the four plays she wants, and back at Hydra’s war room, the fight continues.

Piers declares, “At 9:30, the negotiator goes into a room to negotiate the shows.” This was too leader-y for Baldwin’s liking, who quickly declares, “I’d like to do it.” Piers knows that the true WAD would never let a fake WAD decide that for himself, and counters with, “Steven is better employed being in here hitting high roller contacts that he has, to get money.” To this, Baldwin protrudes both his lips and his hands simultaneously, as a threatening gesture, and argues his point in a loud voice.

Meanwhile, Lennox Lewis, Tito Ortiz, Vinnie Pasture, and Trace Adkins, four of the world’s toughest men, sit on the sidelines and watch. Gotta love it.

Finally, Lewis says he agrees with Piers, and that the people with the rich friends should be making calls. This ends the battle of the WAD’s for the moment, as Lewis and Vinnie head to meet Marilu and Omarosa in the negotiating room.

Vinnie begins by allowing the girls to pick two plays, “since we are gentlemen.” As soon as they pick their two, he says he “won’t give [them] that.” Either he’s an idiot and was hoping they’d pick two others, or he cleverly got them to identify their two top choices without any actual commitment on his part.

The women insist that the two plays are theirs– that he officially offered them away. They squabble for a while, and eventually Vinnie relents, and picks two of his own, with, “I’m happy, I love you.” Omarosa interviews that “negotiating was like playing monopoly with three-year-olds.” I have to agree here. What an idiotic move by Vinnie. Obviously you just flip a coin for first pick, and then you alternate, getting two picks each, until the team with the first pick ends up with the last. Apparently none of these people are into fantasy football.

Vinnie, flustered by the terrible job he’s doing, rushes the women to pick their next two (shouldn’t the women get the last two picks, since they got the first two?). Omarosa uses this opportunity to be unlikable, telling Vinnie, “Calm down, calm down, negotiation is not rapid-fire, it’s a slow progression, Vincent– you’ll learn something from me.”

Marilu interviews that “there’s a lot of little bratty things about Omarosa, but if you give her a task, she will see to it that it’s done.” Basically, she’s a bitch, but she’s a persistent bitch. You know that when that’s the best compliment you’ve gotten all season, something’s not going that well.

I think Omarosa’s main problem is that she’s not actually the brightest bulb, but she takes herself immensely seriously and insists on carrying herself in this slick, smug, condescending manner anyway. Do you know anyone like that? I bet you hate them.

Vinnie and Lennox mock the women for deliberating in making their choices. Vinnie says, “You know what? You know why I fight with my girlfriend? She takes so long to put her makeup on.” Vinnie Pasture, you classy son of a bitch.

The women pick their plays and the men take theirs. Omarosa cackles sinisterly as they head back into their war room. Not sure sinisterly is a word. Marilu interviews that they got the shows she wanted, and that Spring Awakening was “by far, the hottest show.” Quite a promo for Spring Awakening. I kind of want to go see it right now.

Nelly interviews that she has a major black book, just like her soul mate, Gene Simmons, and that hers might be even better because she lives in the world of Latinos. When she says the word “Latinos,” her entire persona changes, and she says it with a think accent. I know there’s no good reason for that to make me angry, but it did.

She continues about how big and hardcover her black book is, and how many people she called, finishing with, “I mean– I’m a star.” Well, then. She obviously has something big to prove after Trump kept calling her a needledick in the last boardroom, but it’s really much more ideal if someone else calls you a star. Little Apprentice fact that I’ve figured out from being way too close to this show for the last year: When they show you propping yourself up in interviews, it either means that no one believes in you but that you’re about to prove everyone wrong, or it means that they’re making you look as overconfident and unlikable as possible so that viewers will feel minimal sympathy when they watch your downfall (usually the latter). When someone else props you up in an interview, it always means that the editors are trying to make you look good and build sympathy for you.

Back at Hydra, we continue this tired storyline of the WAD’s. Piers says, as leader-y as possible, “Steven, listen to me. Hit those phones, sell those tickets for the highest amount you can.” Baldwin counters with, “You can’t rely on just one aspect of the victory. You have to be able to sell tickets.” If Piers had told him to sell tickets, Baldwin would have said the same statement, replacing “sell tickets” with “call people.”

Piers suggests that if Baldwin is now not going to call his contacts as a way of proving Piers wrong, he is a “shallow little man.” Baldwin puts his smuggest face on, and says, “Boomerang. That’s your new name,” suggesting that hypocrisy is afoot. They’re both coming off horribly in this episode.

Baldwin interviews that Piers is “trying to keep everybody off balance in an attempt to become the [real WAD]…I’m just as smart as he is– not smarter– just as smart.” Profound.

Vinnie, Trace, and Lewis head out to the location to begin selling, as Vinnie mutters to Trace, “Those guys are like two bitches, man. That’s why I want to split this team up.”

Piers gets $10,000 from Richard Branson, the head of Virgin. I must say, this “getting huge donations from your contacts” thing is less compelling each week. On our season, we were strictly not allowed to contact anyone from our normal lives under any circumstances. They allowed it this season because they knew it would bring more famous names onto the show, which is great for ratings, but it puts the focus on contacts rather than innovation or creativity or sales skills. Also, my guess is that the rules state a maximum of a $10,000 donation from any outside source, since we’ve seen that number about 12 times but never anything higher.

Cheered up from the positive development, Baldwin breaks out the olive branch: “You and I have to do a Broadway show someday, Piers.” Piers snatches it: “Mate, we’d be good together.” With the tough guys gone and less of an audience, this quickly turns into smooch-fest. Piers quips, “The thing I like about you– we can say the most disgusting things to each other, and it never seems to really matter.” Baldwin cackles uncontrollably. These are two very insecure men.

Meanwhile, Vinnie, Trace, and Lewis walk to their location to find a booth all set up. Vinnie asks, “Is this our booth? Yeah, this is our booth.” This makes me angry. We always had to purchase and set up our own booth. I guess when you go back and sleep in your own hotel rooms after a long, 12-hour day instead of pulling an all-nighter and working for 36 hours straight, you don’t have time to deal with assembling a booth. F***ing Celebrity Apprentice.

At Empresario’s booth, Marilu proudly tells us that she got in touch with all the producers from the shows, who brought them merchandise, and some volunteer actors, including Niles from Frasier, who apparently has done quite well on Broadway. Marilu is an ideal leader for this task.

Nelly gets $7,500 from some real estate firm, and then interviews, “I refuse to leave the show without proving to Donald Trump and everybody here, that I’m a frickin star!” I’m worried for you, Nelly.

We see Carol Alt and Jennie Finch under the tent, taking cash and handing out tickets. Carol explains that “Jennie, just like me, has been taking the garbage jobs that nobody else wants.” It’s hard to say whether they’re in these roles because they’re the least useful or whether they’re actually just acting unselfishly.

At Hydra’s booth, they throw on the mafia music as Vinnie interviews, “In my world, you have a boss, and you have your soldiers, and I like that format. Not that I’m saying I like the mafia– I’m saying it works.”

I’m confused. Isn’t Vinnie Pasture an actor? Is he also in the real world mafia? Or does he just think that playing a mafia character in a scripted show is the same thing as actually being in the mafia?

He assigns Baldwin to use the megaphone, since his voice isn’t usually loud enough, and he puts Piers in a ridiculous King Arthur outfit. He interviews about how no one knows who he is and how he’s creeping everyone out, and calls New Yorkers “bloody rude.” I will give Piers this– at least he has a sense of humor about himself. As someone ignores him, he yells out, “You don’t want to give any money to charity? I understand. Heartless bastards.”

Bob Saget makes an appearance. I saw him do stand up during college and remember him talking about being attracted to the Olsen twins. Ha.

Ivanka shows up, and is thrilled with Piers and his outfit. Piers surmises that he thinks “Ivanka found [him] oddly attractive” as King Arthur.

Next we see Trace Adkins telling us in his Forrest Gump voice that his contact brought over a $5,000 check. Then we see Adkins speaking to a bunch of Austrians who can’t understand anything he’s saying. He explains to the Austrians, “What we have here is a failure to communicate.”

There should be a reality show based on putting Trace Adkins in situations that take him out of his element. He could attend a Bar Mitzvah, be put on stage at a Hip Hop concert and asked to freestyle, he could be sent to a Japanese nightclub, he could visit a chanting tribe in Bali– the possibilities are endless. That would be in the “Keep until I delete” category on my Tivo.

Back to Piers, we see some Brits telling him that he’s embarrassing himself, to which Piers imitates Brits in an interview by using a hilariously thick British accent. See, he may be petty and insecure, but at least he’s funny. Baldwin doesn’t even have that.

Back at Empresario, the dramatic music comes on as we see Jennie messing up a big sale. She laments about again being in the tent, unable to use her “assets” or show her leadership skills. I think we can see where this one’s going.

Vince McMahon shows up, and Marilu interviews that her first thought was, “He’s cute!” What? Am I watching a different show? In what way is Vince McMahon cute? He’s one of the least cute people in the world.

McMahon isn’t impressed as Niles tells him that he hasn’t moved from his spot for the past half hour. Disappointingly, Niles does not have a British accent. But it’s true– they should have a megaphone and be bringing as much attention as possible to Niles and the celebrities on the team.

Nelly gets a couple more thousand dollars, and then changes persona as she says “Latino” again, which again makes me angry. A couple more of Nelly’s high rollers arrive, but have to leave to get cashier’s checks (my guess is that they brought a check, not cash, and that the dossier insisted upon cash).

At Hydra’s booth, Piers is stressing as Richard Branson’s check hasn’t yet arrived. They yell to the contact who shows up that the money needs to get there in the next eight minutes or it’s no good.

During commercial, NBC advertises a new show, called Baby Borrowers, in which teenage couples adopt babies and toddlers and hilarity ensues. Looks horrible and addictive.

The next scene jumps back and forth between Piers and Nelly, as both are in a full panic. Branson comes through for Piers as two creepy flight attendants, dressed in red suits, show up with the money just before the deadline. Nelly is having less luck, and she cries out, “Where are my Latinas?” I don’t know, Nelly. None of us knows. None of us knows where your Latinas are.

In the boardroom, both teams report to the Big T. Marilu seems more confident than Big Vinnie, and Ivanka grills Vinnie by using the word “reticent.” Vinnie makes a mental note to have Ivanka whacked in his next TV show for using a word he doesn’t understand.

Trump asks Baldwin how his team did. Baldwin answers, verbatim, “I think we did great, Mr. Trump, across the board. I think the only way we’ve lost, uh, financially, is if the girls raised some more money.”

McMahon scolds Marilu for having Niles standing quietly, wearing a baseball cap, with no one promoting the fact that he was there, while the guys had Baldwin’s head shouting in a megaphone.

Trump declares that it’s going to be very depressing if the women lose again, and asks for the results.

Empresario: $31,757
Hydra: $33,300

Ouch.

The teams squabble a bit. Omarosa said Piers was dressed like a clown, Piers angrily explains that King Arthur was not a clown, and Vinnie talks about his father wearing a sandwich board.

Trump says that $50,000 is going to Vinnie’s charity, which Vinnie explains is a pancreatic cancer fund, and that the money is being donated in the name of Mitchell Burke.

The guys head up to the suite, where they pop the champagne. Baldwin squeals, “We just barely beat ‘em!!”

On a normal season, everyone would head upstairs and the women would talk about whose fault the loss was for 62 hours. On this season, they go straight to the firing.

In the boardroom, Marilu talks about how on her team, some people overpower and some people take a backseat, while on the guys’ team, everyone is 100% for the team. Of course, this isn’t true– the guys have just as many team problems, and certain people take a backseat there too. But since it’s The Apprentice, we have to pretend that a $2,000 difference means that the winner is doing something vastly better than the loser. On my season, my team lost our first task by about $50 (something like $2,050 to $2,100), and had to answer to Trump why we were “losers” and why we had failed so badly. In this episode, had the creepy stewardesses arrived five minutes later, we’d be talking about how the girls had finally come together as a team and how dysfunctional the guys were. It all just seems a bit forced.

Anyway, let’s shift to dialogue mode. Like last week, I’ve been kind enough to translate everything to the truth for you.

Trump: Carol, what happened?

Carol: Nothing, we lost by $2,000. The teams basically did the same.

Trump: Marilu, you lost. You are a loser. I cannot tell you how happy I am that Gene Simmons isn’t here anymore. I have regained my power! You all find me scary! I am a man that makes people fearful! This is my show! I fired Gene Simmons brutally! Marilu, I declare you the loser! What happened? I command you to tell me!!

Marilu: Some people on our team are pretty useless. The guys have no useless players.

Trump: The guys are unbelievable. They won. They are the picture of perfection.

Marilu: I will play along with this. The guys are the paragon of ultimate success. We are a team of losers.

Trump: Omarosa, are you overmatched? I’d love to hear you say that. With your whole shtick and all.

Omarosa: I would never say I was overmatched. It would lead some viewers to relate to me and see me as human. We lost because some women on our team are amateur businesswomen. I am a seasoned veteran in the business world.

Jennie: The guys are an unbelievable team. I’m saying this because other people said this.

McMahon: The guys care more about winning. As evidenced by their 5% margin of victory.

Trump: How was Carol doing, Vince?

McMahon: She was the inside person. She is more attractive than the yucky girls on the team who were on the outside. She should have been the outside person.

Trump: Carol, who put you inside?

Carol: I was the accountant, so I dealt with the money.

Trump: You don’t look like an accountant. Accountants are unattractive. Who put you in that position? Marilu?

Omarosa: Carol is flying below the radar. Something that everyone knows is a cheap tactic on this show. No one should ever advance too far on The Apprentice if they’re the fly-under-the-radar type. And they certainly shouldn’t win the whole thing. Like on Tim’s season. Tim’s still pretty angry about that.

Ivanka: Jennie, you’re nodding. Do you agree? Does Carol fly under the radar? I eat men for breakfast. I actually ate two men this morning. Because I was double as hungry as usual. I am all-powerful.

Jennie: I’m having a hard time thinking of a situation in which I’ve ever been less comfortable than I am now. What the hell am I doing here? I’m sweet and simple and unbitchy and everyone here is unsweet and unsimple and ununbitchy.

Trump: Omarosa, who should I fire?

Omarosa: It would be Carol. I’m safe this week because Marilu and I are boys. Finch has no chance in the long run, and Nelly kind of sucks. So hopefully we can knock off Carol. She’s inconsistent. You have to be consistent. Like me. I’m consistently unlikable. Carol is, like, so not a real businesswoman.

Carol: Okay, nuff o’ this shit. Omarosa is terrible. She tries to bring everyone else down to her non-celebrity level.

Omarosa: I am an A-list celebrity.

Carol and Omarosa: We’re going to talk at the same time for a while, which is always a fun thing.

Carol: I will emerge from the joint talking by saying Omarosa is eating our group from the inside. This was a bit extreme but I thought that Omarosa was going to keep talking, so I thought no one would have heard that. Either way, we should support our teammates’ weaknesses, not exploit them, like team-eating Omarosa does.

Trump: Carol, do you like Omarosa?

Carol: Not at all. Obv.

Nelly: We have good workers, but not good leaders. Except for me and Marilu. And maybe Omarosa. We’re good leaders. I’m mad into this “Carol and Jennie take the backseat” theme.

Trump: Nelly, who should be fired?

Nelly: Marilu.

Trump: What the hell?

Nelly: I always answer that question wrong.

Trump: Okay Marilu, which two people are you bringing back?

Marilu: Jennie and Carol.

Guys, in suite: OOOOOHHHH! We’re having so much fun here, with all the camaraderie and all! We like to analyze the boardroom from our suite like comrades. Tim had to look up the spelling of camaraderie.

Baldwin: She wants to bring back Nelly, but she needs her to win!! I’m very wrapped up in all of this.

Lewis: She’s gonna need a drink after that one!

[Other guys look at Lewis]

Lewis: Why did we sell Broadway tickets all day? Who are you guys? Where am I? Why are all these cameramen here?

Marilu, Jennie, and Carol, outside the boardroom: It’s incredibly awkward sitting here together. Let’s trash Omarosa the whole time.

Trump: Annette, bring them back in. I said that in the tone that I used to say it. Before Gene Simmons. I am a powerful and attractive man.

Annette: I spent three hours and thirty-seven minutes getting ready tonight. This is my one second of airtime. I’m sleeping with a producer and I only get this one second in return, but it’s better than nothing. Suddenly, Tim is nervous that he’s going to get sued for slander. I’m not necessarily sleeping with a producer. It is based on no concrete evidence. Tim only thinks I am. He’s pretty sure.

Trump: Marilu, let’s rehash why you lost.

Marilu: There are lots of different levels of people here. It’s this incredibly complicated team dynamic. It’s just so complicated. It’s hard for all of us to work together.

Trump: Then why didn’t you bring back Omarosa?

Marilu: Actually, I’ve figured out how to handle Omarosa. I propped her up a couple of times, and now she’s like my pit bull. I can sic her on other people and she’ll annoy everyone else, but she’ll be loyal to me because I’m the one person who props her up and she is so rarely embraced like that on this show that now she’ll do anything for me. This comes in handy in the boardroom especially.

Ivanka: Makes sense. So you’re saying you can afford to lose one of these two sitting here now. Like the opposite of how the world cannot afford to lose The New York Observer.

Marilu: Yes. These two are not that rad. What?

Ivanka: Huh?

Trump: Jennie, what’s your deal? You kind of suck at this game, right? But you’re mad dominant on the softball field. I had only heard of two of the 14 celebrities on this show prior to this filming, but the producers briefed me on everyone, and you’re all competitive on the field– so why are you kind of shitty here?

Jennie: I’ve never been exposed to c**tiness like this before.

Trump: This is tough for you, isn’t it?

Jennie: I may cry really soon. Probably not, but if my cry threshold is at 100 on the upset/overwhelmed-meter, I’m in the high 80’s right now. I’m not used to such c**tiness.

Trump: And you shouldn’t get used to it. You’re sweet and unbitchy and I’m happy you don’t understand our grown-up talk. It’s mean and nasty. You have to be a hard-ass to live in this harsh world. I am a soldier. I am a warrior. I brutally fired Gene Simmons last week.

Jennie: I don’t want to get used to this world. I f***ing hate this. I’ve never enjoyed an experience less in my life.

Trump: I’ll protect you from it. From my world of war. From my battlefield of the bloody and wounded. I am a savior and protector of all men. Jennie, you’re fired.

Jennie: I’m happy this is over but my upset/overwhelmed-meter is at a dangerous 95. I need to leave right now.

Trump: Leave, Jennie. It’s just not your world. I like your world better. This is a terrible world. I am a bad man. Save yourself, Jennie. I have done many horrible things in my life. I kicked a dog in the ribs this morning.

[Firing music]

Jennie, in limo: I’ll refrain from saying anything memorable here in this limo.

And so, that concludes Jennie Finch and Episode Four. Next week, “a shocking celebrity scandal you’ll never see coming.” Also described by the preview as “the biggest showdown in Apprentice history.” Vinnie Pasture plays a prominent role. Should be a good time.

Check out Tim’s website, at www.timurban.com, where you can listen to samples of his new album, Turning Home, see pictures, and contact Tim. You can find Tim’s blog at www.timurban.blogspot.com.