Yes, it took me a full week to post this recap. But the damn episode was two hours long. That said, it was an extraordinary piece of television.

We begin the same way we always begin– with the candidates waiting to see who was fired. Omarosa trashes Carol: “It’s personal. She’s a twit. I don’t like twits. Everybody says business isn’t personal, but business is always personal. And I want to see her go. She just doesn’t fit in.” So wait, what’s personal? That she’s a twit? How is that personal? There’s obviously something from the story that we’re missing here.

Omarosa says, “Everybody’s gotta go down at some point in this process. As long as it’s not me, oh well.” And then it cuts to the bass of the opening song. That song is so damn cool. And they always show one of the candidates saying a slick line just before it cuts to the music. Which makes that candidate look cool. Which always makes me jealous. Every episode of Season 6, I kept waiting for them to show me saying some slick line before cutting to the music, and they never did. Like 13 of the others, but not me. Whatever.

Next, Trump meets the candidates in a mall somewhere and tells them that Tito’s gone for this task, because “he’s in a fight.” Really? Just like that? They wouldn’t let me get an f***ing haircut.

Trump suggests that Carol is the project manager for Empresario, and Piers will lead Hydra. Trump tells the viewers that they’re in Macy’s, and that Macy’s is “the largest department store in the world, and it’s a great store. It’s something very special.” He then promotes Crocs, which are “Hot as a pistol. The fastest growing footwear company anywhere in the world. They are doing unbelievable.”

Nothing is better than Trump’s sponsor description hyperboles. During our season, we used to imitate Trump, saying things like, “Today you’ll be selling honey. Honey is the world’s top substance. Honey is a six trillion dollar industry.”

For this task, the candidates will be creating a receptacle for people to throw their Crocs in so they can be recycled into new Crocs that will be given to kids in poor countries around the world. This is a funny campaign by Crocs, because the company’s not actually sacrificing anything. Expectedly, people who toss their Crocs away will buy a new pair, so the end result is that Crocs sells more shoes, the customers make the sacrifice, and Crocs looks like a humanitarian company. Pretty brilliant.

The teams head on their way, and in the Empresario van, Omarosa pitches the idea to make their receptacle a giant Croc, since the brand is the shoe itself. I like it.

The girls arrive at their war room and are shocked to see the guys arriving across the hall at their own war room (usually the teams are assigned to different buildings). This is completely intentional by the producers to add drama.

In the guys’ room, Trace comes up with the slogan, “Wear them. Share them.” Which is absurdly brilliant. As they discuss this, they hear the girls talking outside their war room, and Piers decides they were spying, which they probably weren’t (I tried to spy on Kinetic during at least four different tasks, always unsuccessfully. On the GNC soccer game halftime show task, I snuck a peak at Kinetic’s props and saw big bones and realized they had gotten dogs and were going to do a dog show. I told my team, and we were all miserable. We had no chance– you can’t win against a dog show. As it turns out, there were no dogs. They had a bunch of idiot children. And we lost anyway).

So Piers suggests that Vinnie go spy on the women’s team. Baldwin cackles with glee at this idea. Vinnie initially resists, but decides to go with it, asking Piers, “Are you an actor?” before launching into a fake shouting match with him. It’s pretty funny, and kind of clever. Vinnie goes outside and continues yelling at Piers. He’s a very believable actor– I’m enjoying this.

Here’s where things stop making sense. Vinnie heads into the women’s room and asks if he can come help them since he fake-hates Piers. Huh? Wasn’t the plan for him to spy on the women by eavesdropping from outside the door? When did the plan become for him to join the women’s team? When Lennox Lewis reports to the rest of the team that Vinnie’s actually joining the women’s team as a spy, the guys are surprised, suggesting that Vinnie took this upon himself. Lewis interviews, basically, “What the hell is going on?” I agree. And it gets weirder. The next thing we see, Vinnie is with the women, helping them brainstorm.

Now– last episode, Vinnie talked about how in his world, “there are bosses and there are soldiers,” suggesting that he thinks that playing the part of a guy in the mafia is the same as actually being a guy in the mafia. This episode, Vinnie begins to blend the fictitious fight with Piers into an actual rift, and heads into the women’s war room and actually starts helping the women. It really seems that when Vinnie Pastore acts, he loses track of what’s real and what’s not. What a hilarious issue for an actor to have. Imagine if this happened to all actors. Every movie with a murderer would require a police squad on set to protect the crew from the guy playing the murderer after the filming was done. Every sports movie actor would demand a spot on a real professional team. Actresses would have to take out restraining orders against their romantic comedy boyfriends. It would be amazing.

Anyway, back in the guys’ war room, Lennox Lewis snaps at Stephen Baldwin when Baldwin interrupts him mid-pitch. Baldwin makes an “uh oh, I just pissed off Lennox Lewis” face. This is the kind of interaction we get to see when we put Stephen Baldwin in close quarters with Lennox Lewis. What a show.

They design their receptacle, which is much simpler than Empresario’s giant shoe. Trace explains that they created it to be cheap to manufacture, and easy to transport. So here we have the simplified competitive breakdown. Empresario: Recaptacle is a giant shoe– good idea most likely. Hydra: Big box– probably a worse idea than the giant shoe, but more practical, and they have a great tagline.

Back at Empresario, Vinnie keeps helping the ladies, and interviews that the girls were using his great ideas, and that Piers should never have sent a man of his intelligence to spend his time spying. So this helps to explain things a bit– a lot of this whole drama Vinnie puts on comes from feeling underappreciated and disrespected by Piers.

Then a couple odd things happen– first Vinnie, after genuinely helping the women, reverts back to the original plan and tosses a piece of paper with undercover info to the men. Then, Baldwin, despite the entire point of Vinnie’s whole team switch being to “spy” on the women and get info about what they’re doing, disapproves of the info actually being sent. So he sends Lennox Lewis to go pick up the info.

The thing is, Baldwin disapproves of the note being thrown to them, but instead of just ignoring it or throwing it away, orders Lennox, “Go pick that up. I’m not picking it up.”

Piers nails this one on the head: “Stephen Baldwin was unspeakably hypocritical when it came down to the Vinnie operation, because after awhile he had worked out that it didn’t make him look that great, as a man who runs a ministry, to be doing a form of ‘cheating,’ as he saw it.”

Baldwin interviews about seeing Piers’ true colors, and that that’s not how he rolls. I cannot think of a man less pious-seeming than Stephen Baldwin. His whole pious-as-compensation thing is incredibly see-through, and I love that Piers is around to call him out on it.

Next we’re with Vinnie and Marilu in the van, as the mafia music plays in the background. Vinnie, six minutes after throwing the note to Hydra, decides to tell Marilu that he was sent to spy on them, but that he changed his mind and wants to help them now. Marilu interviews that Vinnie “thinks he’s still on the Sopranos.”

Vinnie tells Marilu that she “can’t tell none of the other girls.” Marilu mocks him by promising with an “Italian kiss.” Then Vinnie interviews, “Marilu’s Italian. She understands that. She knew I flipped.” Oh, dear.

Back at Hydra, Ivanka visits, and when she says that she likes that they used sabotage, Baldwin finds himself in a pickle. Part of his “disapproval” of the spying was undoubtedly related to fear of it becoming a fireable offense in the boardroom. Suddenly Ivanka likes it, and Baldwin reacts by cackling in the most despicable way possible. It’s hard to really put into words, but he’s just the worst person ever.

We head to Trace and Lennox, who are working with the designer to create their box. Trace is being intensely cool, as usual.

Then we flash to Vinnie and Marilu, doing the same thing. In Sopranos form, Vinnie suggests that they design their box so it can be “carried like a coffin.” Vinnie interviews that he’s really rooting for the women. Vinnie’s doing his best to play his loyalty-switch as if it’s a result of his guilt and his compassion for the women’s 0-4 start, but it’s kind of apparent that the main root of this is his anger and hurt at being disrespected and mocked by Piers.

Don Jr. arrives. It’s funny to see him sans swagger now that he’s dealing with celebrities. He’s kind of meek and intimidated. He’s also mad skinny. When did that happen? While we’re here, I don’t really get the hair. Why? Why make that decision? If this dude had a crew cut, he’d be much more likable. The hair makes him look like “mini-Trump.” Why would you want to be mini-Trump? Wouldn’t you rather be your own dude, who just happens to be the son of Donald Trump? Am I over-thinking this?

Vinnie interviews, “Piers doesn’t have the common sense to realize that there’s a difference between the characters I play on television, and what I can do in this corporate world. I’m not Pussy in real life– I’m Vinnie Pastore.” Oh, a bruised ego– the things you’ll make men do.

Back at Hydra, Trace admits that he didn’t really like the whole scheming thing from the beginning, and that they’re all d-bags. I have a full-fledged man-crush at this point. Out of all the candidates, I find it the hardest to figure out why Trace Adkins would do this show.

In the war room, Piers and Baldwin embark on another smooch-fest. Just like last week, Piers breaks off a little olive branch, and Baldwin leaps on top of it, this time with, “Seriously, you and I have to start a company together. We’ll make trillions.” I may refrain from buying stock in that one. Then Baldwin whips out this one: “I certainly need you in the future for one challenge I have in mind, Piers, and that’s for you to give your life to Jesus.” Piers interviews that he could “do with less preaching, especially when the behavior doesn’t live up to the preaching.” He calls Baldwin out: “You’re the one whose life is so sickening and depraved that you had to somehow claw out of the abyss by finding something decent with your life.” Ha.

Next we see Carol Alt doing the photo shoot for their presentation. She’s ridiculously hot. And she’s like 46.

Piers then taunts the girls by reciting their slogan, “Share the love,” and hence revealing that Vinnie was a rat. The girls are shocked. Piers comes off like a little shit in this scene. He’s really awesome sometimes, and then other times, he really sucks.

Carol calls Marilu and tells her that Vinnie is a rat, and Vinnie tells Marilu to keep their secret that he’s not actually a rat, and Marilu is like, “this is idiotic.” It’s funny, because Piers, Baldwin, and Vinnie are all acting like petty, insecure teenagers, each in their own way, and the women are acting like normal, confident adults, and the clash of the two types is fun to watch. Nothing is better than watching Marilu and Vinnie interact. Marilu interviews that this is f***ing stupid and then we see Vinnie mention something about sabotage, to which Marilu is like, “I don’t give a f*** about your stupid sabotage shit, I’m trying to work here.” Marilu is kind of an awesome badass.

Back in Empresario’s war room, Nelly tells Omarosa about all this, and Omarosa’s bitch-meter goes on, as she calls Vinnie and asks him for the truth. Here’s where poor Vinnie makes one of like 42 strategic errors this episode– instead of just telling the girls the whole truth, he continues with his idiot plan to keep his double-rat status secret, lest the guys find out that he’s not loyal to them anymore. The end result is that the girls freak out and kick him off the team. And I’m sorry, watching Omarosa become morally outraged is as absurd as watching Baldwin act pious. Those two should end up together.

Nelly interviews that “there’s nothing worse to [her] than being disloyal.” And I actually believe her.

So Vinnie loses any chance to get in with the girls and declares himself “a man without a country.” It’s kind of sad– if he had just been honest with the girls earlier, he could have fully gotten in with them.

At this point, by far the best strategic move would be to go back to the guys and keep secret the fact that he ever switched loyalty in the first place. But Vinnie’s an emotional mess– and this ship’s going down.

In the van, Vinnie rails on Piers. He doesn’t seem to know whether he’s mad that Piers revealed him to the women, that Piers tried to sabotage the women in the first place, or that Piers disrespected him by sending him over there in the first place (I suspect the latter), but he’s pretty heated. It’s pretty silly for him to be outraged that Piers revealed him to the women, considering he had completely switched his own loyalty. I’m telling you– a bruised ego can make someone do crazy things (check out a friend of mine in episode 10 of my season for details).

So Vinnie comes back to the men, and is about to start screaming when Piers tells him, “brilliant job!” Vinnie kind of smiles, and almost decides to let it all go and be one of the guys again. Almost. As he starts berating Piers for revealing him, he goes from joking to completely irate, as we watch Piers slowly realize that this guy is insane and is actually angry.

We see the women getting their big green shoe receptacle ready as the happy, “they’re probably going to win” music comes on. Then we head to the men getting theirs ready, as the tense music comes on.

Vinnie stands there sulking– poor guy is so confused as to who he’s mad at and why he’s angry that he has no idea what to do. When Piers suggests that maybe he should help the team get their display ready, Vinnie finally explodes. He explodes on Piers for like nine different things– completely misplaced anger, and a guy like Piers isn’t going to let a guy like Vinnie off the hook for that.

Of course, Vinnie dug his own grave here, and this whole mess is his own fault. Likewise, Piers can be a mean guy, and goes on to trash Vinnie and say all the things that Vinnie had been afraid of this whole time– namely that Vinnie is creatively useless. And even though everything Piers is doing kind of makes sense, and Vinnie is acting like a complete lunatic, it’s easy to see where the lunacy comes from, and I ended up feeling sorry for Vinnie here.

And Piers can’t help himself– on top of the “you’re mad dumb” comments, he unnecessarily tacks on “you’re mad fat” comments, and taunts Vinnie on the way out. That’s the thing about Piers– as funny and smart as he can be, he also has a really ugly side to him. Vinnie is a sad target for cruelty, in spite of the fact that it was his own insecurities that started this whole thing. We’ve seen this before– Piers has had multiple opportunities to take the high road and come across as an awesome dude, and has repeatedly sunk to the level of his competition.

Vinnie is standing alone in the hallway now, when Trump comes off the elevator. Vinnie starts telling Trump the whole story, and Trump tells him to “do it in the boardroom.” Translation: “This whole thing is a TV show, you dingus– in real life I’m mad uninterested in these tasks.”

Onto the presentations. Heartwarming “they’re definitely going to win” music domes on as Carol presents Empresario’s big-green-shoe receptacle. Good presentation.

The guys present. Piers does a great job, and to be honest, they should have won. Their slogan is better, and despite the shoe being a good idea, the execs admit that it would be very impractical to produce. I do think it’s a pretty honest show, but in these judgment tasks, I often suspect the producers of calling the outcome more than the execs.

Anyway, onto the boardroom, and into dialogue mode.

Trump: Piers, what’s the deal? Vinnie doesn’t have a chair?

Piers: Vinnie is a lunatic.

Trump: Vinnie, what’s your side of the story?

Vinnie: Piers sent me as a rat, which I later realized meant that he didn’t value me as a teammate, which in turn hurt my feelings. He’s hurt my feelings like 344 times since this shit started. So I told Marilu I was switching loyalty.

Marilu: These dudes are like 14 years old. I’m kind of a badass.

Vinnie: You ratted on a rat, Piers!

Piers: Vinnie is retarded.

Trump: Baldwin, what do you think?

Baldwin: I give money to homeless people.

Ivanka: Wait, hold on. Why the hell did you women take this imbecile on your team in the first place?

Piers: They needed a man to help them.

Women: asdf;lksjdf;lkasdfjls;fjk!!!

Omarosa: This was espionage.

Piers: No, it was sabotage. We didn’t give a shit what you were doing. I was kind of f***ing around with you more than anything.

Trump: You’re kind of rad, Piers.

Piers: Unlike Baldwin, who was shocked that Ivanka liked the sabotage idea, I did my homework before coming on this show, and noticed that about 72 times on previous seasons, you’ve condoned dirty fighting.

Trump: You’re a true Brit!

Piers: Sure, whatever. Also, the girls were spying on us first.

Woman: asd;lafjsd;lfkjsadfl;kjdsf!!!!!!

Piers: They were outside our door. Vinnie confirmed it. I’m pretty sure that this is untrue.

Vinnie: You called me a fat Italian.

Piers: I called you a very fat Italian.

Trump: Oh no you di’in’t!

Piers: This fat dude thinks he’s in the real mafia.

Vinnie: YOU DON’T KNOW WHO I AM!!!

Ivanka: I like the dirty fighting, but this is kind of a mess, isn’t it Piers?

Piers: No, Vinnie has an IQ of 35. I was happy to get rid of him.

Ivanka: Trace, Tim and I are both in love with you. What do you think?

Trace: I think that I would never interact with any of these people in the real world. I’m wearing a cowboy hat in the boardroom. Because I can. I can get away with wearing a cowboy hat in the boardroom because I’m Trace Adkins. Both Tiffany Fallon and Jennie Finch told Tim that they have a crush on me in their interviews with him. Imagine if both Tiffany Fallon and Jennie Finch both had a crush on you. How ridiculous is that. It’s things like that that let me get away with wearing this cowboy hat in the boardroom. Tim wore a cowboy hat once when he was young, and his friends made fun of him.

Trump: Stephen, how about you? What do you think?

Baldwin: I build houses in Africa.

Nelly: But Stephen, you were in on it too, we saw you. And I was surprised, because you’re a Christian. Only Jews spy.

Trump: Stephen, do only Jews spy?

Baldwin: I give foot massages to the poor.

Don Jr: Stephen, who would you kick off, Piers or Vinnie?

Trump: Whoa! That was a good question! You almost always ask bad questions. I’m like 48 times more proud of Ivanka than I am of you. Tim remembers a bunch of times in boardrooms that I actually silenced you mid-sentence in the boardroom, but they always edited those out.

Baldwin: I’d keep Vinnie’s dumb head, because Piers is mean to me.

Don Jr: Trace, who would you keep?

Trace: Vinnie. Piers is kind of a d-bag. He and I are mad different. Both Tiffany Fallon and Jennie Finch.

Don Jr: Lennox?

Lennox: I’d keep Piers. Piers is like 458 times more valuable than Vinnie. We need him for these jobs the camera people keep giving us.

Vinnie: Piers was trying to get me fired by sending me over.

Piers: Not really, but I can run with that. It fits into the story I’m creating pretty well.

Baldwin: Perhaps the girls can find it in their hearts to forgive Vinnie. That’s what Jesus would do.

Trump: Wait, what? No. Shut up. Okay, let’s announce the winner. The execs liked the guys’ receptacle, but enough with Lennox. Every week– Lennox, Lennox, Lennox. People are gonna get sick of Lennox like they’re sick of me. People don’t like me. I’m unpopular. Like, really really unpopular. Anyway, the girls won, and even though the viewers all saw the execs legitimately torn between the two, I’ll announce that it wasn’t even close, because it’s The Apprentice.

Vinnie: I resign.

Trump: Yes, the girls fought and fought, and in the end, the– wait, what?

Vinnie: I’m 61, fat, and incredibly stressed out by all of this. I’m going to have a heart attack.

Trump: Really? Let’s fight it out at least.

Vinnie: I don’t think YOU get it. I really might have a heart attack. Like, really. Do you wake up in the morning and fight with people?

Trump: Yes. My whole life is a fight. It’s pretty horrible, actually.

Ivanka: Hold on. Vinnie, what the hell?

Vinnie: Piers is more of a leader than me.

Trump: Never admit that someone is better than you at anything. Part of being unpopular is taking yourself incredibly seriously. On Tim’s season I said in all seriousness that I had a phenomenal body. You think that can’t be true– I must have said that tongue in cheek, right? Wrong. Tim was there. I was dead serious. Anyway Vinnie, if I fired Piers, would you stay?

Vinnie: Yeah, definitely.

Ivanka: Then why the hell didn’t you fight?

Vinnie: Wait, no. I’ve backed myself into like seven corners by being over-emotional and erratic. I just want to go home.

Trump: I used to hate quitters on Tim’s season. I told that girl Michelle that she was a horrible loser for quitting. That was when I had a bunch of needledicks on the show, not these scary celebrities. I miss those needledicks. Stephen, what would you do if you were me?

Baldwin: I’m not kissing your ass, but you are a king among men. A noble lord among peasants. Your beautiful skin tone is breathtaking. Your regal presence–

Piers: Let me rail on Piers for being a hypocrite.

Trump: Wait. Let him finish.

Piers: Well the point is this. Mr. Trump, you’re a moral guy, right?

Trump: No, I’m a terrible man. I don’t know how many ways I can say it. I am a bad, bad man. I’m like the bad guy in a movie. Piers, what were you saying?

Piers: Baldwin is unbelievably hypocritical.

Tim: ‘Tis true.

Ivanka: Lennox, do you like quitters?

Trump: No, he doesn’t.

Lennox: You have to be mentally strong. I have mental strength.

Trump: Yes you do. I have a phenomenal body.

Vinnie: Dammit. I resign. I’m not quitting. I’m not walking away. I’m just stepping out of the competition before it’s over.

Trump: Yeah, yeah, okay.

[candidates get up and walk out]

Piers [to Vinnie, on the way out]: It’s business, not personal. People always call other people dumb, fat Italians in business when they’re not being personal.

[Cut to black]

Check out Tim’s website, at www.timurban.com, where you can listen to samples of his new album, Turning Home, see pictures, and contact Tim. You can find Tim’s blog at www.timurban.blogspot.com.