Episode 8. Of The Celebrity Apprentice. Which I recap. Weekly. Some kind of life I live.
Anyway, we begin with our old friend Omarosa. Thrilled because Trump has put her back on Empressario, she explains, “Thank you Mr. Trump. He really likes me. He really, really likes me.” The logic evades me here– Trump moved Omarosa because Piers said he’d never work with her again after her constant low blows all day. How does that prove that Trump really, really likes Omarosa? That would be like a guy terrorizing his ex-girlfriend to the point that a judge issues a restraining order against him, and the guy concluding, “That judge likes me. He really, really likes me.”
The candidates arrive to meet Trump, and Marilu expresses excitement at seeing helicopters waiting. On my season, I expressed excitement when my team won the task and the reward was a helicopter ride. Then the air conditioner in the helicopter broke and it was 145 degrees the whole ride.
The task is to create an infomercial, as Trump explains, “One of the great companies that you’ll ever deal with is QVC.” He then adds, “This show is the number one show on television. These helicopters are the best helicopters in the world. I am the tallest man in the world. Tall is the best quality that you’ll ever deal with. Tallness is an eight billion dollar industry.”
PM’s are Baldwin for Empressario and Marilu for Hydra.
So they head to the war rooms in their air conditioned helicopters. In the Hydra war room, Piers explains to us that Lennox is hungover. Lennox explains that he’s a world champion boxer, but what he really wants to do is direct. That’s such a coincidence, because I heard that all Steven Spielberg wants to do is box.
The teams have to choose the product that they’re gonna sell. QVC presents their options, and both teams want this rad little ladder/push cart. Marilu says, in a psychotic way, “If I saw that ladder cart, I’d pick up my phone and call immediately. That is a passionate, great item.” Two comments: 1) I didn’t know a ladder could be passionate. 2) When I flip by an infomercial, I have a hard time not watching. One time and one time only I said f*** it and called to buy the thing they were selling, some blender or something. I didn’t want the blender, but they kept torturing me with their, “BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE!“s and I was left with no choice. So I called, and before they’d let me buy the blender, they asked me 400 questions about other things I might want to buy. I kept saying I didn’t want anything else, just the blender. But they were relentless. Eventually, I hung up.
So the teams both want the ladder and they decide to flip a coin, to which Baldwin interviews, “I’m God’s guy, you know. I’m on your team, Lord. Let’s win that coin flip.” So God, who’s dealing with like 40 global genocides, world hunger, hoards of tyrannical dictators, and dozens of American professional athletes, is supposed to stop everything and make sure that Stephen Baldwin wins a coin flip on episode 8 of a sub par reality show? That’s a little selfish, wouldn’t you say?
So Baldwin loses the coin flip, and Empressario goes with the electric sweeper instead. Baldwin explains, “When we lost the coin flip, the ladder wasn’t meant to be.” So I guess I was wrong. God did determine the flip, but just figured that the ladder wasn’t as passionate as everyone seemed to think it was.
Hydra decides that Marilu will do the talking. Empressario picks Trace. Baldwin tells us, “When you think QVC, and you think celebrities on QVC, in my mind, Trace Adkins is that guy.” He tells Trace, “They’re gonna hire you at QVC, son.” It’s a dream of every country star that one day, they might have the courage to put down the guitar and go for the real gold– an infomercial host.
The teams meet their hosts. Hydra’s is the used car salesman from The Family Guy. Marilu tries to wheel him around on the cart and predictably drops him and he smacks onto the ground in the funniest fashion possible. The host keeps his plastic smile on through the searing pain. Doesn’t get much better than that.
In Empressario’s war room, drama occurs as Omarosa thinks they should rehearse the infomercial and Baldwin’s spirit gives him the faith that they don’t need to. He tells Omarosa that he’ll be fine, and she replies, “I’m not worried about you, son.” What’s with “son” on this show?
Don Jr. and his miniscule neck show up. Empressario shows him their sweeper, and he interviews that it’s a good idea to have Trace selling to “Middle America.” Donald Trump, Jr.: A man with his finger on the pulse of Middle America.
Then, God once again stops everything to help Baldwin strategize. Baldwin decides to break up the price of the sweeper into smaller payments, as he explains, “One thing that I was just so grateful to the Lord for giving me this thought was implementing this possibility called ‘Easy Pay.’” Mark Burnett should think about bringing God on as a cast member for next season. He seems to have a knack for it.
Next, we’re in Hydra’s control room. Lennox gets excited about directing, as the big-movie music mocks him.
The show starts. Marilu is all manic and hyper– the producers leave it open whether she was overtalkative and bad, or extremely enthusiastic and good.
Empressario’s turn. They play up the whole “Trace is nervous, maybe he should have rehearsed” thing. But of course, Trace nails it. He talks about his five daughters making a mess around the house. Adding to his lovability, Trace Adkins apparently has five daughters. It’s also open. Trace showed either a lack of energy or a quiet confidence– they’re not telling us.
And into the boardroom. I’m feeling lazy, so rather than describe what happened, I’ll just type out the exact transcript:
Trump: Marilu, how do you think you did?
Marilu: I think we won. The ladder displayed great passion and romance.
Trump: I was impressed that you were so enthusiastic. And over a ladder, no less. Ladders are boring.
Marilu: Wrong. That ladder was a piece of sex.
Trump: How about you Tito? Who was the star of your team?
Tito: Trace. Duh.
Trump: Stephen, did Omarosa do a good job?
Baldwin: Omarosa did an excellent job. She didn’t trash my family at all. Both she and Piers have been on absolute best behavior in order to show how it’s not them that’s the problem, but the other one.
Omarosa: I have to be around people who bring out the best in me. Otherwise I’ll under-perform and rip on their kids all day.
Trump: Stephen, are you nervous that your product was more expensive?
Baldwin: Nothing is more expensive than the Lord.
Trump: The hell? Let’s hear the results. How did Empressario do, Don?
Don Jr: $43,000. Why don’t you love me?
Trump: Because you’re not talented. Ivanka, how did Hydra do?
Ivanka: $35,145
Trump: That’s a romp. Just like if a football team won 43-35. Everyone would call that a romp.
[Empressario exits]
Trump: Piers, who would you blame?
Piers: I’d blame the team.
Trump: Great, d-bag. Who would you blame as an individual?
Piers: I would not blame Marilu. She was in love with an appliance.
Trump: Why didn’t you use Easy Pay?
Marilu: We didn’t know that was an option.
Ivanka: Carol, you were on QVC before and you should have known about it. As the most unfamous person here, this is how we’re going to fire you.
Carol: I’ve never heard of Easy Pay, which is a lie.
Trump: Piers, for the third f***ing time, who would you fire?
Piers: Sleepy Boy contributed the least.
Lennox: If you were at the strip club until 8am you’d be f***ing tired too. Son.
Trump: Wait, hold on. I think what Piers said might be racist. I’m not positive, but I think so. So I’m going to insinuate that it was racist, and see if Lennox jumps on board. Lennox, are you insulted?
Lennox: Yeah I’m insulted! Cause I wasn’t sleeping.
Trump: No, goddammit– I don’t give a f*** about the sleep. Is what Piers said racist?
Lennox: What happens at the strip club stays at the strip club.
Trump: What? Marilu, is Piers racist? F***ing Lennox won’t get offended.
Marilu: Sleepy Boy was mad sleepy.
Trump: Okay, F it. Sleepy Boy, who would you fire?
Lennox: The PM, maybe? I kind of want you to stop addressing me.
Trump: How about you, Carol?
Carol: I’d fire Marilu. She was mad creepy with that ladder.
Trump: Marilu, who would you fire?
Marilu: Talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk ta–
Trump: Wait, shut the f*** up. Just tell me who you’d fire.
Marilu: ….
Trump: Okay, screw it, just tell me which of these two you’re bringing back. I hate this f***ing show.
Marilu: I’ll bring back Piers and Lennox.
[Carol exits]
Trump: Marilu, Carol is the most unfamous of the four of you. What the hell were you thinking?
Marilu: Carol has a great work ethic and is a great team player. She’s been consistently valuab–
Trump: Shut up you dolt! She was the most unfamous. How f***ing clear can I make it?! I’m trying to fire the most unfamous every week. You brought back Lennox, who is not at all unfamous. What a dumbass thing to do.
Marilu: Lennox is utterly useless. Apparently some transvestite stripper slipped something in his drink last night, and one thing led to another or something, and–
Lennox: What happens at the strip club stays at the strip club!
Trump: I’ve seen Lennox drugged by a stripper before when he’s in the ring, and he still knocks the guy out.
Lennox: Wait. What? No you haven’t.
Trump: I see dead people.
Piers: Carol should have been fired. She lied about not knowing Easy Pay.
Trump: Wait, Piers– why are you sweating?
Piers: Because there are heat lamps five feet above our heads making us sweat so the boardroom seems more intense. F’ing heat lamps. This is one of those secrets that Tim’s probably not supposed to spill, but the more time that passes since his season, the less of a shit he tends to give.
Marilu: Let me say this one last time. Lennox did absolutely nothing and we lost by a slim margin.
Trump: Point taken. Marilu, you’re fired.
[candidates exit]
Stay tuned for next week, as the teams apparently create porn videos!
Check out Tim’s website, at www.timurban.com, where you can listen to samples of his new album, Turning Home, see pictures, and contact Tim. You can find Tim’s blog at www.timurban.blogspot.com.
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