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Ask Tim: Celebrity Apprentice – Episode 9 Recap

By - March 5, 2008 | Email the author

Before we dive into Episode 9, I want to mention that for anyone who missed the Ohio Presidential debate, you can find the full, unedited transcript on my blog.

Anyway, we begin this week as Piers and Sleepy Boy return from the boardroom. Piers refuses to apologize for throwing Lennox under the bus, interviewing, “Lennox spent the entire day trying to position himself in a way that he wouldn’t get blamed. And he does that well, but I’m on his case.”

Again, Piers is the voice of reason. I hated when people did that on my season. Especially since the Under the Radar Queen actually won the damn thing. And yet again, Piers is right and I’m happy he’s there to call people out on their shit.

The candidates meet T-Bird in some tower along with executives from Dial and Redbook magazine. The task is to create a 4-page ad in Redbook for Dial Nourishing Yogurt Body Wash. It’s body wash, but it’s also yogurt. Best of all worlds.

Now, I don’t know how edited what happened next was, but here’s how it appeared:

Omarosa: I’d like to PM. Is that okay with everyone?

Trump: This week, the PM will probably be fired.

Omarosa: Unless somebody else does. Do you want it [Tito]?

Trump: Project Managers, you really are on the line.

Omarosa: Tito, do you want it?

Tito: If you want it it’s fine.

Omarosa: Do you?

Tito: Do you feel comfortable?

Omarosa: It’s up to you.

Trump: Empressario, who is going to be your Project Manager?

Omarosa: [points to Tito] I was just PM like a week ago.

Stephen: Trace, are you cool with Tito?

Trace: If you want it.

Tito: [petrified] That’s fine, if, uh…

Omarosa: Yeah. I’ll support you.

Trump: Tito, wow! For Dial Soap?

Tito: Uh, yeah.

Am I being biased? Am I being unfair? She’s the worst, right? Like, imagine another person pulling the same thing she just pulled. You’d think less of them, right?

Anyway, Carol takes the PM role on her team.

Hydra heads to meet with the execs, and learns that the average reader of Redbook was 37 years old, and that they can push the limit a bit within reason. Hydra then heads to their war room to discuss the plans. They decide to make their ad about a family woman who has sex a lot. Everyone’s getting along well. I like this team.

Empressario has their meeting and learns that all Redbook readers love Trace Adkins. And Tim Urban loves Trace Adkins. Does that make Tim Urban a Redbook reader? Necessary? Sufficient?

Not surprisingly, back in their war room, Empressario decides to use Trace as the centerpiece of their ad. Stephen cackles about Trace being in a bathtub in the ad, as Trace ponders the series of decisions he had made that had led him to this place at this point in time.

At the Hydra photoshoot, Piers suggests that a skeptical Carol be the model for their team.

Back at Empresario, the word “Empresario” flashes across the screen, at which point I realized that there’s only one “S” in Empresario. Who knew? This is so unimportant that I’m not going to bother changing it in the above paragraphs. It’s just something you’re going to have to deal with. You’ll be fine. You’ve dealt with worse.

In the Empresario war room, Omarosa offers up the support she promised when she forced Tito to be PM, interviewing, “The Project Manager’s supposed to be Tito Ortez, but Tito needs lots of help, lots of guidance.”

Poor Tito’s terrified, as he lets Baldwin, who’s actually quite good on multimedia tasks like this, take over. They take a bunch of pictures of a hot girl in a bathtub.

Over at Hydra, Carol agrees to be the model, and interviews that she’s blatantly fired if they lose. Which is true. Not because she’s the PM, but because she’s the most unfamous person on the team. Same goes for Tito on Empresario.

At Empresario, Omarosa comes up with the idea to have a bunch of topless dudes, including Trace, as the ad, instead of the girl. Because, “This is appealing to women. Women want to see hot men. They want to have this fantasy.” I guess that’s why the Victoria’s Secret catalogue is so full of topless 40-year-old men.

So they make Trace take his shirt off, which is hilarious because he’s all flabby and pale and completely dreading it. They take a bunch of pictures as Trace, topless with his guitar, figures out the best way to fire his agent for putting him on this show.

Hydra photographs Carol with a baby and then in bed with a dude. Lennox orders a second dude to come over, saying “You’re just gonna come behind like you wanna get some too.” And Carol’s like, “Seriously, Lennox, I will cut you.” Lennox is pretty rad. They show a quick shot of Piers miserable because everyone’s laughing at Lennox’s joke and he’s not getting any attention.

So the teams present. Piers presents for Hydra, and is great in this role as usual, as the “they’re gonna win” music plays. They get to the final image, the one with the dude. And for some reason, of all the pictures they took, they chose the one where the guy is biting Carol. All these hot shots of him nuzzling up to her, and they pick the one creepy one. Completely inexplicable.

Empresario’s presentation is just sad, as Tito is petrified during the presentation and stumbles through it for two and a half hours.

And into the boardroom:

Trump: Tito, how do you think you did?

Tito: I, uh, think that, uh, we sold Dial to the United States with the USA yogurt, uh, through the Dial ad, uh, to the Dial yogurt.

Trump: So, what’s your deal Tito? That was, um…that was retarded.

Tito: I just want to be per-fect for you.

Trump: This is mad awkward. Carol, how did you do?

Carol: We nailed it. I’m a piece of ass.

Trump: True. But what the hell was the deal with the guy biting you?

Carol: It was a playful bite.

Trump: No f*** that. I’m a creepy dude, and that picture still gave me the willies.

Carol: We pushed the envelope.

Trump: Pushed the enve–! He was biting you in a soap ad.

Carol: Whatev.

Trump: Whatev. Let’s show the teams each other’s ads.

[Ivanka slides the ads across the table to the other teams. This brings back a traumatic memory of when she slid the Smart Mouth brochure across the table to Tim. She slid it extremely meanly. Tim still thinks this was a good brochure]

Trump: Tito, see the shit I’m talking about? Look at that f***ing biting picture.

Tito: Yeah, that’s a scary picture. We, um, wanted to show the guitar with his shirt off playing, um, Trace in the, um, dinosaur wild.

Trump: Christ. And how did Trace look with his shirt off? You know, there are a lot of women out there who would have liked to see that. And, uh, and some men too! You know that?! There are some men who would like to see Trace with his shirt off too!!! I’ve learned recently that there are actually men who are supposedly…attracted to other…other men. Tim is pretty sure that I secretly think that all homosexuals are lying and that all men are in reality only attracted to women. Anyway, Piers, what do think of their ad?

Piers: Mad bad. It’s boring and I can’t read the writing, it’s–