We begin in a place I wish we always began: In Trump’s Golden Apartment.

Trump’s Golden Apartment is one of the greatest parts of The Apprentice, and usually makes an appearance once a season. It’s like a normal luxury apartment, except the whole thing is gold plated. It is everything hilarious about Donald Trump manifested in a single living space.

Trump walks in to meet the candidates and explains: “We’re standing in my apartment in Trump Tower. Some people consider it to be the greatest apartment in the world. I would never, ever say that myself, but it’s certainly a nice apartment.”

Gotta love the T-Man.

Trump introduces his trophy wife, Melania, and their two-year-old son, Barron. Barron, despite being two, manages to be smug and condescending. I’m not kidding. He’s actually a smug and condescending two year old. I’ve never seen anything like it.

The task is to sell the most art at an art gallery. PM’s are Omarosa and Piers. Here we go again.

So we head to the Empresario war room, where Omarosa does her best sophisticated impression, asking the art connoisseur his favorite selling technique. Trace explains that he’s pretty sure that art is a homosexual, and Baldwin predicts, incorrectly, that Piers will go for the priciest artist at the expense of volume.

In Hydra’s war room, Piers picks an artist named Shirley Shor, because there are far more pieces of her art to be sold. He predicts, correctly, that Omarosa won’t be able to figure that one out.

Back with Empresario, the following exchange takes place:

Baldwin: Who is the biggest pimps that you know?

Omarosa: I have called four of the biggest ballers in New York, and all they have to do is come through.

Piers makes some calls of his own and articulates his desire to bludgeon Omarosa with a rolling pin. Meanwhile, Omarosa and Baldwin quibble about whether or not it’s possible to make calls and read at the same time. They’re both pretty dumb.

So they all get to the gallery, and Hydra is dismayed to find out that they have the worse location of the two. Little is more frustrating than being on a task and thinking the other team has been given an unfair advantage.

After typical pre-task panic, the crowd shuffles in. Omarosa slyly funnels everyone to their gallery, and we see Trace make a couple sales.

Then they show this back and forth of Omarosa and Piers both trying to make a sale. Omarosa is selling to this guy, who’s kind of terrified of her, and seems like he’s trying to get out of the interaction. Piers is selling this bizarre moving painting to this woman. Did anyone else think it was incredibly weird that the painting was in constant motion? How does that work? Eventually, Piers prevails, and Omarosa’s guy escapes unscathed.

At one point Lennox, who I kind of love, steals away one of Baldwin’s contacts, and Carol actually sells him a piece of art. This I enjoyed thoroughly. Of course, Baldwin is indignant, and feels “sorry” for the other team that they had to “stoop so low.” Piers sums up my feelings exactly: “My opinion on poaching clients is ‘all’s fair in love and war.’ If you’re stupid enough to let one of your donors turn up and then be diverted to our gallery and they buy one of our pictures, then you’re a complete dunderhead.”

We then see a string of Piers contacts arrive at the gallery and pay huge sums for art. I can’t imagine how satisfying this must have been for him– to demolish both Omarosa and Baldwin in one blow. Omarosa, completely defeated, starts trashing Baldwin in her interviews, knowing that Baldwin’s demise would be her only hope.

Which leads us into the boardroom:

Trump: Piers, how did you like your artist?

Piers: Loved him. Loved his style. I’m saying “him” and “his” because Shirley Shor is apparently a man. A man named Shirley.

Trump: A two year old named Barron. And how do you think your team did, Piers?

Piers: We utterly dominated them. This was an orgasm of satisfaction and vindication after nine tasks of hating both Omarosa and Stephen.

Trump: Omarosa, how did your team do?

Omarosa: We only sold four paintings. Trace sold two and I sold two. In three minutes it’s going to come out that we only sold three total, and that I sold one, not two. In Unlikable 101, they teach you to lie on national TV and then get caught lying.

Trump: I took Unlikable 101 way back in college. I remember that course. They taught me to coat my apartment in liquid gold and then declare it the best apartment in the world with no trace of irony.

Omarosa: Not when I took it. It must have evolved over the years.

Trump: I got a B+ in it. I actually had an A going but the professor saw in me traces of unintentional comedy and even the occasional endearing moment, and it hurt my grade.

Omarosa: Not me. I got a straight A, and TA’d the course for a couple years.

Don Jr.: I’m in that shit right now. The professor complimented my hair the other day.

Trump: Okay Ivanka, how did Hydra do?

Ivanka: Hydra sold 14 paintings for $164,000.

Trump: How about Empresario?

Don Jr.: Empresario sold three paintings for $7,000.

Trump: The f***?

Piers: Yeah.

Trump: This is the biggest slaughter in the history of The Apprentice. This is the number one show on TV. New York is the biggest country in the world. The world is a 32 billion dollar industry. So Omarosa, what the hell happened?

Omarosa: You’re only as strong as your sales team. I was a good PM. I was a prominent member of the Clinton Administration.

Wikipedia: Actually, according to her official contestant bio for The Apprentice, Omarosa was “a former political appointee in the Clinton-Gore White House.” In reality, she was never an appointee, merely an employee whose main job consisted of answering phone calls. In April 2004, People Magazine broke the story of Omarosa’s unstable tenure in the federal government, noting that she had been “banished from four jobs in two years” at least in part due to her inability to “get along with people.”

Ivanka: You’re hella unlikable.

Trump: Okay, Hydra, you can leave.

Piers: This is the most satisfying day of my life.

[Hydra exits]

Trump: Stephen, you were mad bad on this task. What’s your angle?

Baldwin: Whatev.

Omarosa: Stephen is the main reason we lost this task.

Trump: F*** Stephen, this is boring. Trash Piers.

Omarosa: Piers is a gay man.

Trump: Wait– what?

Omarosa: He likes the c*ck.

Trump: Christ, Omarosa. Gay people are fictional– everyone knows that! Get Piers back in here immediately.

[Commercial break -- Tim wishes the TiVo could go to a fourth fast-forward level]

[Back from commercial -- Piers comes into the boardroom, kisses Trace, and exits]

Trace: What the f***?

Trump: Hahaha!!! That Piers! He cracks me up! This proves that homosexuality is fictional!

Trace: What the f***?

Omarosa: I can’t tell if Piers just made a fool of himself or an even bigger fool of me.

Trump: Piers made light of a situation involving homosexuality! How brilliant! What have I been so afraid of this whole time?? It’s just a funny made up thing. There’s nothing to be afraid of!

Trace: F***ing SHIT.

Trump: Whoa…Trace, you’re not doing so well over there.

Trace: I am f***ing furious about what just happened. F*** this f***ing c*nt show.

Trump: Um, let’s all leave Trace alone for a few minutes. Stephen, who should I fire?

Baldwin: Not God, Mr. Trump. You should not fire God.

Trump: Thanks, d-bag. Omarosa, you’re pretty bad at The Apprentice, huh? I mean, there are two ways to be good at The Apprentice: to be good at tasks, and to be a likable character. And you’re, like, horrible at both. And yet, you’re the only person who has been on the show twice. This, the number one show on television.

Omarosa: Mr. Trump, when I was young, I was taught a valuable lesson: I may not be the wealthiest girl in the room. I may not be the smartest, or the prettiest girl in the room. But I can always be the unlikableist girl in the room. And no one can take that away from me.

Ivanka: I am the wealthiest, smartest, and prettiest girl in 98.7% of rooms.

Omarosa: I was the Secretary of State for the Johnson Administration.

Trump: I f***ing hated Johnson. Omarosa, you’re fired.

[Omarosa exits, and discusses philosophy in the limo]

Next week on Celebrity Apprentice: Stephen Baldwin is a d-bag.




Check out Tim’s website, at www.timurban.com, where you can listen to samples of his new album, Turning Home, see pictures, and contact Tim. You can find Tim’s blog at www.timurban.blogspot.com.




Sir Linksalot: Celebrity Apprentice