As the episode begins, we’re treated to a condensed version of Omarosa’s downfall, and Piers yelps with glee. Trace, who is terrified of homosexuality, is incredibly uncomfortable talking with Piers, who just kissed him on the cheek minutes earlier. Lennox Lewis calls it “Brokeback Boardroom.”

Then the producers turn on Piers, as they splice together Piers gloating about Omarosa’s firing with Trace disapprovingly interviewing that Piers is mad arrogant and annoying. Then they tack on Baldwin interviewing that Piers is a “lost individual” and that “perhaps, in the future, it may not work out the way he believes it will.”

The task is to create and sell an original Quiznos sub. Thankfully, this task the candidates cannot use their contacts and can only sell the subs for $2 a piece.

In Trace and Baldwin’s van, Baldwin is dying to be best friends with Trace, and is all excited about the fake camaraderie that exists between them. Trace shows his creative spark once again, naming the sandwich “The Cowboy Club.”

Trace predicts that in Hydra’s van, they’re naming the sandwich after Lennox, as we flash to Hydra’s van and see them doing just that. Piers is leading the brainstorming session even though Lennox is PM, and Lennox interviews that Piers is kind of taking over, but that it’s okay. I relate to Piers here, because I couldn’t help myself and took over most brainstorming sessions on my season. Then I got fired.

At the restaurant now, Hydra creates their sandwich by picking the most popular sandwich Quiznos offered and tweaking it by changing the cheese to cheddar. Smart.

Carol is in charge of the flyers, and seems to doing a subpar job, as there are no flyers. Piers doesn’t let anyone get away with anything on this show, so in proper form, he keeps whispering in Lennox’s ear about Carol dodging any responsibility for her mistakes, to ensure that this gets brought up in the boardroom should they lose.

Meanwhile, Trace and Baldwin have made their own flyers at a print shop and hand them out on the street. From my experience, less than 5% of people who buy a sandwich will end up being people who grabbed a flyer an hour earlier, so none of this seems especially important. While handing out flyers, Baldwin is told he’s “crazy” by a passerby. He says, for the benefit of the cameras, “I am crazy…for Jesus!” Somewhere out there, Jesus is like, “Yeah, so Stephen…the thing is…maybe you probably should stop telling everyone about how good friends we are…”

At Hydra, Lennox muses, “I’m the ultimate marketing machine. All you have to do is have a product, put my face on it, and make me smile.” We see some comedic shots of Piers failing with people on the street, and then he makes fun of people in general for being awestruck by Lennox.

We watch Trace and Baldwin finish up confidently, and head to the boardroom for the remaining 25 minutes of the show.

Trump: Lennox, how did your team do?

Lennox: I think we probably won, because we always win. Piers and I have only lost twice, and Tim thought we should have won both of those times too.

Trump: Who the hell is Tim?

Lennox: Tim Urban. The guy you fired last year.

Trump: I have no memory whatsoever of Tim Urban. Carol, how do you like working with Piers?

Carol: Piers is brilliant. I love working with him. When I watch this episode, I’m going to be really annoyed that I said this since he bashed me behind the scenes all episode.

Piers: I’m so close to being such an awesome dude. I’m the smartest person on the show, ever since Gene was fired at least, I’m very funny, I have all the right judgments of people, I’m not afraid to call people out who suck, and I don’t take myself that seriously. Pretty great, right? But then here’s the thing– I have this other side of me too. This small, petty, childish, and often mean side. And every time viewers are really starting to be sold on me, this side of me rears its ugly little head. If people are like an apple, with a surface, flesh, and core– I’m nasty on the surface, charming, caring and wonderful in the flesh, but nasty again in the core. It’s a shame really, because I’m a pretty rad dude usually.

Trump: I’m similar Piers, except I don’t even come off especially well in the flesh. Trace, how did your team do?

Trace: My voice is breathtakingly deep.

Trump: That’s true, Trace. Ivanka, how many sandwiches did Hydra sell?

Ivanka: Hydra sold 313 sandwiches.

Trump: How many did Empresario sell?

Blond woman: 253.

Trump: Lennox, Piers, you’re mad good at this. Carol, you’re pretty fortunate to be on that team.

Carol: Yeah, this worked out extremely well for me. I’m one of those people who could have been fired in episode two, but I snuck my way all the way here.

[Hydra exits]

Trump: Trace, Stephen, you two lost. Whose fault was it?

Trace: You know me well enough by now. Do you really think I’m gonna stoop down and start passing blame in the boardroom? I am overflowing with dignity. Of course I’m gonna be a man here and take the blame.

Ivanka: Yeah, but Trace, did Stephen not step up? Stephen didn’t step up, right?

Trace: What did I just tell you? I’m not gonna stoop to this boardroom bullshit. I take the blame.

Trump: But Stephen is more unfamous than you, dammit! We fire people based on who is the most unfamous!

Baldwin: Trace and I have become best friends throughout this process. We are as close as two people can be.

Trump: Trace would not be caught dead with you in public outside the context of this show.

Trace: That’s probably true.

Trump: What’s the deal with Piers? He wins every week. Lennox has been on Piers’ team the whole time but it’s pretty clear that Hydra’s success is a result of Piers’ savvy.

Baldwin: They had one more person on this task. This is a huge deal. In some tasks, it’s irrelevant, but this one was largely about manpower.

Trump: Manpower? I am man of great power. Financially, but more so, physically. I am a man of unthinkable physical power.

[room is silent]

Trump: Stephen, you are the most unfamous person in the room. Not counting the remarkably unfamous blond woman sitting to my right. She’s so unfamous I can’t even see her. Of the four people I can see in this room, you are the most unfamous.

Trace: In Stephen’s defense, part of the problem is that our team is called f***ing Empresario.

Trump: Okay, you said it first. I HATE THAT F***ING NAME. God that felt good. I used to love being all mean to the teams when they picked a bad name and scolding them on national television and making them feel bad about themselves. It was fun, and it was great TV. Now, with these f***ing celebrities here, I can’t even do that. When the women announced the name Empresario in Episode 1, I was boiling over with fury from hearing such a sissy, prissy, loser name. But I had to hold it in. And it hurts me. How it hurts me.

Ivanka: How about the type of sandwich? This is a point I want to make. Hydra’s sandwich was more generic and yours was more risky. Could that have made up for the 60 sandwich loss?

Trace: No.

Ivanka: Take me.

Trump: Trace, you’re not unfamous, are you?

Trace: Actually, in New York, I am kind of unfamous. Because New York people are uptight little mama’s boys who don’t like manly music. In Nashville, I’m like the least unfamous person ever. Do you understand how much ass I pull in Nashville?

Trump: Well, I imagine it’s–

Trace: No, hear me– do you possibly understand how much ass I pull in Nashville?

Trump: A massive amount of ass?

Trace: A massive amount of ass. And in New York? It’s just not the same.

Trump: Can we be BFF?

Trace: Probably not.

Trump: Who should I fire, you or Stephen?

Trace: Me.

Ivanka: This is like the Gene Simmons nightmare boardroom all over again.

Trump: I told you NEVER to bring up that boardroom in my presence again!

Ivanka: Oh yeah. I’m sorry.

Trump: If you weren’t a girl, and successful, I’d hit you right now. Have my people go hit Don Jr. immediately.

Ivanka: Okay, Trace. Since you’re not giving us an inch here, let’s turn to the big picture, something we absolutely refused to do in Tim’s boardroom, even though that was his main strategy. And no, Tim’s not still bitter. So Trace, outside of this task, who is stronger.

Trace: Well, that depends–

Ivanka: Okay, who has the best chance of raising the most money for their charity?

Trace: Well, I guess that might be me.

Trump: Aha! So Trace is better and it is in fact Stephen who deserves to be fired. Thank you honey.

Ivanka: I owed you one.

Trump: Stephen, who should be fired?

Baldwin: Well, based on this task–

Trump: We don’t care about this task anymore! Did you not get the memo? The least unfamous person is at fault for this task, so we’re moving to the big picture, where the most unfamous person is fireable. I’m going to say a sentence now that has five excuses for Trace as the losing Project Manger. Five in one sentence. Here goes (verbatim): “I have to say that I love you guys, I love the work you do, I love the manner in which you present yourselves, I think you were pretty even on this task, I think you both did a good job on the task, and you had two people as opposed to three people and that’s a big difference, and you didn’t quite have as you say, in Nashville you blow everyone away but you’re in New York City and it’s a little hard for country in New York, and they had Lennox Lewis so that’s a big thing.”

Ivanka: Wow.

Trump: Damn right, wow. Stephen, you’re fired.

[Stephen exits. Trace returns to the suite, still trying to figure out how a show can be so crooked.]

Next week, two people are apparently fired immediately and we’re on to the finals. Come back in two weeks for the final recap of this epic television experience.




Check out Tim’s website, at www.timurban.com, where you can listen to samples of his new album, Turning Home, see pictures, and contact Tim. You can find Tim’s blog at www.timurban.blogspot.com.




Sir Linksalot: Celebrity Apprentice