As we bid farewell to one of the most annoying contestants in the history of America’s Next Top Model after tonight’s second installment of the series’ 11th cycle, let’s take the time to analyze just how annoying an episode tonight’s really was.
For starters, you have the producers playing up the transgender-y drama already (and it’s only episode two!). You get quips from Miley Cyrus, AKA Hannah (from Alaska! If you didn’t catch that the first 2039 times its already been beaten over our heads) saying how she’s all about the small-town life that she grew up in, and then uses it as grounds to justify her blatant transphobia against Isis. Let me ask you something. Is everyone that comes from a small town instilled with some sort of gypsy curse (no doubt passed down from Jade’s crystal-toting mother, not to be confused with Amanda of Cycle 3 and her celestial crystals) that renders them totally conservative, intolerant idiots? No, I think not. And that’s what makes watching Hannah’s prejudiced ass shove Isis away (no doubt in a fit of Alaskan Yeti Rage) from her in the hot tub at the beginning of tonight’s episode so painful to watch. I don’t understand how someone living in today’s day and age can still be intolerant of other people’s culture and lifestyle. Grow up, Hannah. Either that or leave the competition. Soon. Please.
Whilst in a fluster after being confronted about the Isis situation by the motherly ultra-goddess Sheena and the she’s-really-starting-to-grow-on-me Brittany, Hannah decided to use this opportunity to express that she’s “the stereotypical white girl” and isn’t into all the “music like that”, saying such because she tried to say Isis was dancin’ up on her and she wasn’t down with that. Girl, Isis was swimming backwards in a damn HOT TUB that was crammed with 12 other people, and you happened to be in girlfriend’s way! I’m pretty sure you shoved her out of sheer suffrance from transphobia, not because you didn’t like her “dancin’ up on you” like “that”.
Of course this brought about more fury from the girls, who saw an immediate opening for some drama, and pounced on her like a pack of Whitneys around a fresh plate of T-Bone steaks (aw I’m sorry, I’m not allowed to insult the plussie “winner” of last season?), calling her racist and whatnot. Now in this case, I do think the girls were going a little to far (perhaps coaxing from the producers?) in calling her racist. I honestly don’t think Hannah meant anything that severe by her comments, but equating it with “gang rape” and “gang banging”, Hannah? Bitch, please.
Now that my little rant is over, I’m guess you’d like to hear more about tonight’s juicy episode, where Elina (the sexy Austrian lesbian) and Clark (the monster-shnoz bitch of the cycle) shared a sexy Euro-themed kiss in the very same hot tub that Hannah viciously assaulted poor Isis only moments before. Now that’s ANTM for you. At one moment two young girls are innocently sharing a steamy kiss in a hot tub (well, more like a “I can’t really get to your mouth because my frackin’ Streisand-shnoz is in the way, so we’ll just tongue-slap a’la Cruel Intentions style for a while) and the next a colossal drama-fest about physically assaulting pre-op transgendered women. Yeah, only in the realm of ANTM will that ever happen.
My list of joys only grew when *gasp* the challenge this week was to pose in front of *gasp* Cirque-du-soleil/RuPaul and Rosie Perez’s lovechild Benny Ninja (!). Seriously, if you’re intentionally trying to piss me off, Tyra, you’re doing a good job. First you fix two cycles in and let Dora the Explorer and a whale win right in a row, and ever since cycle 8 you’ve been beating me over the head with this faux-club kid, uber-irritating gremlin that somehow possesses the power to make all girls pose like Studio 54 drag queens. Nice.
The challenge involved modeling a designer’s handbag in front of them with interesting and unique poses, and it did provide some hysterical results, namely Nikeysha’s introduction of herself that went something like this:
Nikeysha: “Hey y’all, if I pee up my leg it’s because I’ve had to go to the bathroom for hours”
Client: *explodes in a cloud of pretentious glitter*
Well, Nikeysha, now that you’ve successfully secured yourself a spot on the “do not ever call this girl for future castings…ever…EVER” list, why don’t you tell them a bit more about your inner workings and latrinal desires?
Nikeysha: Alright girl, I just flat out crap myself so if it goes up my leg while I’m posin’, it’s cuz I’ve had to go for hours. Hey girl hey!!!!
There’s really no difference in the two at all. Both are disgusting, and both reflect a “model” that only ANTM could cook up…one with no modeling potential at all.
Elina ended up winning the posing challenge (no, she did NOT model her bag in between her crotch with a smile on her face, Sheena), but there’s something I’ve been noticing about my third favorite of the season. She’s not a model. She’s extremely beautiful and striking in that sense, but this girl really isn’t model material. Her body is all wrong, her head is just too round and long, and her face isn’t really that modelesque either. It pains me to say it, but Elina is just a hot girl who doesn’t have a career in modeling ahead of her. Shame, shame.
The shoot this week involved couture while swinging from a ladder at a mock carnival (ferris wheel and all), that made for some absolutely stunning shots that will go down as some of my favorite in Top Model history. I know I’ve been saying it for months now, but Lauren Brie is really one of the most modelesque girls the show has ever seen. Her photo this week was sheer Vogue, easily breaking into the Top 10 best pictures in ANTM history, and received a well-deserved first callout because of it. (I’d also like to just point out that as I’m watching the show, I’m not calmly critiquing the photos, either. It’s more of a gospel church session, except I worship at the church of ANTM, hollering for girls to work and pose all while successfully keeping my flower-pattern sunhat firmly atop my head).
It was also no surprise that the likes of Marjorie and McKey had stunning photos this week as well, seeing as these two girls should have bypassed the whole ANTM thing (too late, stigma time) and started working in the real industry because these girls are models to a T.
Also starting to grow on me are Brittany and Analeigh, whose photo this week actually proved that they may have some model swimming around inside of them somewhere, I just wish I could see it more than that Saudi-Arabian prince that Analeigh was sold (seriously how funny was that!?) did.
The elimination ceremony this week went down as normal, give or take the amazing fact that Nikeysha was kicked off. The critiquing was bland and boring as it has been for the past two cycles (Yes, I blame Paulina for taking away my joyfully-pointless and fun-to-cut-up-on Twiggy), but the eliminations these judges are giving us so far have been superb. I mean, the two least modelesque girls at the beginning of the competition are now…gone! Poof! Is this really ANTM? Actually recognizing true modleling talent this season? Get out of here! Unless they totally slam us with an “in your face” style elimination next week, I love the way this cycle is heading in terms of shoots and eliminations. I think we have a very interesting road ahead of us!
My last notes just involve a few ramblings about Whitney’s horrendous My Life as a Covergirl segments, which are slowly going the route of Saleisha’s last year. I mean today’s wordly, sage advice for getting into the modeling indstry was to…have…a…mother? Yes, Whitney hugged her mother for about 20 seconds and that was it. Is it as funny as going to the Covergirl factory (twice) and getting your hair done? No. Is it worse than the two of those combined, however? Hell yes.
See you next week. (MAKEOVERS!!!!)
Joey Nolfi is a model and aspiring Journalist in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. His film reviews have been published in the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette and are also found on IMDB.com and KillerReviews.com
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